Some Days Will be Weird
[May, 2008]
Some Days Will be Weird
One of the most common questions these days is "How's Felix?" Actually, it's usually in three parts: "How're you?" (very short pause). "How's the family?" (pause). "How's Felix?" This last one comes out with a soft-spoken alacrity, as if the words hold a long story behind them.
I am always deeply touched that people care so much to ask. The hard part is answering.
From all outward signs, he's doing great. He goes to school, rides his bike, swims, plays piano. From all the disastrous futures we traveled with, we've got it very sweet. I'll never disagree with that. But something has changed. Maybe it's me not being able to remember how he was and every time i look at him it's through the lens of the Fall. I worry that he doesn't seem to have a lot of friends; he rarely gets invited to parties, never to sleepovers. His sisters are a stern contrast to that as they are both social butterflies.
Did i have friends when i was 12? I remember being a loner in my youth, and don't remember a lot of nights spent away from home. His math skills, too, are rickety; we have to repeat lessons that seem so obvious to me. Maybe it would have been that way no matter what. Maybe it doesn't matter!
I was visiting a friend, and they were all talking about private high schools with high standards. Felix, my mind tells me, will never gain admission to any of those. Would he if he hadn't fallen? I can't tell.
It's all different, and i can't satisfactorily explain it to anyone. Except my oldest friend Kevin; he saw this part coming. He tried to explain how unique it might be.
The main point is, your lives have changed dramatically, maybe for the undetermined future, maybe forever. They got a lot harder, for sure. But they also got a lot broader. What I mean is, your family will now face specific situations, obstacles, challenges, frustrations, elations, and fiascos that other families won’t face, and that you wouldn’t have faced before Felix’s accident. All these things, minor and major, that will make you guys different. And every one of them is an opportunity: an opportunity for anger, bitterness, resentment—no question about that—but equally an opportunity for weird, memorable, absurd, enlightening experiences. It’s definitely not going to all be funny encounters with uptight first basemen; some of it will just plain suck, no two ways about it. But all of it can go either way—it can open you up or it can close you down; that’s the main thing I learned from being with my dad, every single thing, big or small can broaden your mind or narrow it—and which way it goes is entirely up to you. And I don’t know your kids, and I’ve only met Tina once, briefly, but I know you pretty well, Mark, and I know this: it’s definitely going to be okay, no matter what. Trust me on this. -kevin
I can't lay our lives next to anyone's anymore and say “well, we measure up by this yardstick, but fall short on this one.” There are no yardsticks anymore.
I'm different, that's what it really is. Something huge came into my life and i'll never be the same again.
When i try to explain how we're doing, i don't know what to say. Life is weird. We're just trying to get by like everybody else. But life is also beautiful, amazing, and overwhelmingly wonderful. Just ask Felix; except when he's end of the day tired he'll almost always tell you he's good, great or better. And even when i can't answer the question “How's Felix?”, i do know Kevin's right. It's definitely going to be okay.
